Blessed!

I feel so blessed and grateful to be free of depression for the holidays! I've had two turkey dinners already and am making my own on Thanksgiving. I hardly ever cook for anyone so it will be good to have my son and daughter-in-law over. We have a tradition of cooking while we watch the early morning parades followed by the dog show. It's always fun to see all the dogs competing each year. My friend and ex-partner (Bett) found out she's going to need Chemo for a full year. She is taking it all in stride and I'm so proud of how strong she is!  Even so she  still needs prayers so if you're reading this please pray.

The topic at my church after TG will be: "It's Jesus' Birthday Not Yours!" I llok forward to hearing ways to keep Christmas Christ centered. So it's short and sweet for today; I'll be back when there is more to say. I believe in and love with all my heat, soul and mind an awesome God!

I was so sad to find out today that my ex-partner has breast cancer. She's not at all scared nor worried, but I am...:-( It's been a hard day because the check I am expecting in the mail did not come yet and I have no money to distract myself with. There was a meeting I wanted to go to tonight and I'm afraid I don't even have enough gas not to worry about it. It's always a challenge for me to keep busy around the house. I did make my cranberry apple pear ginger sauce for the potluck at my church at least. I am so looking forward to the weekend, but tonight I must say I am lonely. It would be the perfect timing for me to go to that DBSA support group, but I just can't risk it. So I'll watch TV later on; I'm too tired to read my Bible. Nap time I guess.If anyone reads this thanks in advance.

 Today was challenging to get through because I kept busy all day at home without going out except to walk this morning. Got some chores done and Bible reading. I just love reading Isaiah 40 (the last paragraph) right now:  "The Lord is the everlasting God; the creator of the ends of the earth, He will not grow tired and weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, young men stumble and fall; but those who hope tin the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."



I was happy to get an email form my former therapist in PA today since I don't even have one right now here in Sacramento. The mental health system is pathetic in SAC; I've been waiting to see a doctor since last June. Finally I have an appointment comng up on Dec. 11. It's only by the grace of God that I'm even still on the planet. Anyone ever heard of a gay Jesus freak? I never can quite fit in anywhere!

Let's see where I left off last entry was about when I start to feel well again; there's a physical tingling that I can feel in my head and I am running to-do lists and gratitude lists congruently nonstop. It's such a great relief to not be depressed that I am too excited to sleep that first night and I  also don't want to waste another minute. I tend to sleep a lot when I'm depressed because I don't know what else to do with myself while waiting for it to pass. I've been well now about five days and already I'm back at church and planning on a
Christmas trip to CT (where I grew up). It's a long story about me and church, but for now just know that when I'm depressed I am alienated by most people and want to "break-up" with the church I attend. I hole up and hide out because to me it is embarrassing to feel so awful and have nothing positive to say.

Currently my Mom is having some memory issues and I am wanting to evaluate whether it is dementia or early Alzheimer's, but I'm not even sure how to tell the difference. All I know is that Mom is not going to be able to stay living on her own in the house that I grew up in for much longer without help. The trouble with me moving back there is that I'm afraid I'll miss my son and daughter-in-law too much (not to mention their intention to have children asap). Quite frankly also I can not do the job of being caretaker for my Mom without having more balance with my mood disorder. It's all rather complicated...So pray for me and wish me luck and let me know if there's anything I can do for you!

I am so excited to start Sassy's New Private Words even though I am sad that my old blog Sassy's Private Words can't be found. I guess they get deactivated if you're absent too long. My main concern is how to load photos from my new PC Notebook; that'll be my challenge to figure out, but in the meantime how great it is to be back writing again. :-)

So if you're familiar with me from JLand it has been dually noted that I struggle with Bipolar Depression and am a fierce advocate for the de-stigmatization of so called Mental Illness in general. It's been a very long haul for me since I am now pushing 60 and was diagnosed with clinical depression at 20. Noteworthy is that I was not diagnosed as Bipolar until I saw a specialist in PA about 5 years ago. My manic states are only hypo manic (meaning they are mild in comparison to full blown mania), but my lows are abysmal and seemingly never ending. I am medication resistant so I have little relief or balance for the low times. In order to demystify my automatic shame, I must confess that when I am depressed every time it is so bad that I wish I were dead and see no real purpose for living. This is opposite to how I feel when I am well. Just about two months ago I was so bad off I felt certain that I should join Sylvia Plath and just end my life.  So how do I get well again? It is by sheer determination in spirit and my faith in Jesus Christ!

Shoot! I lost continue later.









 part of my entry and will have to start over. Please come back and visit me again later. :-)